Recently, I had the opportunity to speak at the Hindu Spiritual Care Institute (HSCI), a nonprofit organization in the Bay Area that’s doing important work for the South Asian American population. HSCI is preparing to graduate its first class of Counselors of Hindu Tradition, trained to support the Indian American community with both cultural wisdom and modern relevance. As part of their training, these future counselors are exploring the challenges of parenting and cross-generational relationships—topics that resonate deeply with many of us.
My talk focused on what’s commonly called the “Sandwich Generation”—those who find themselves caring for both aging parents and their own children. But as I thought more about the Indian American experience, I realized the term “sandwich” didn’t quite fit.
So, I introduced a new phrase: The “Pav Bhaji Generation.”
In this version, we’re not just the sandwich—we’re the bhaji, squished between two pavs. On one side, our elderly parents require time, emotional energy, and care. On the other, our children (young or adult) also need us. We’re the ones in the middle, trying to hold it all together.
Why the Pav Bhaji Generation Deserves Its Own Name
The term “Pav Bhaji Generation” captures something unique about the Indian American caregiving experience. Many of us are in our 40s to 60s, caring for parents over 65 while still supporting children who are either young or just launching into adulthood. Most often, these caregivers are women—and many of them are doing this without much help from siblings, spouses, or extended family.
Why? Because families today are more spread out than ever before—across states, even continents. The support system that might once have existed isn’t always there anymore.
The Triple Challenge
1. Internal Conflict
Many Indian Americans live at the intersection of collectivist values and individualistic society. We were raised to care for our elders, to put family first. But we’re also surrounded by messages about independence, self-care, and career ambition. These opposing forces can lead to deep guilt and emotional turmoil—especially when considering options like assisted living for aging parents, which still carry stigma in some parts of our community.
And yet, certain realities—like Alzheimer’s or dementia—demand around-the-clock care that we simply may not be able to provide on our own. It’s not about giving up; it’s about being realistic.
As Dr. Kailash Joshi, president of HCI, shared during our conversation:
“Fundamentally, I believe the older generation is best served by not setting high expectations of care from the younger generation… Making one’s own plans reduces negative energies and keeps relations from deteriorating.”
2. Role Strain
We’re juggling a lot—careers, children, marriages, and parents. It’s no surprise that many in the Pav Bhaji Generation feel they’re failing at something, somewhere, most of the time.
We miss work meetings. We skip date nights. We feel we aren’t spending enough time with our children—or our parents. We’re constantly stretched thin, living in “survival mode,” just trying to make it through the day.
3. Burnout
When you’re always caring for others, who’s caring for you?
Many caregivers suffer from chronic stress, anxiety, and physical health issues like sleep trouble and digestion problems. And when we’re unwell, that stress often trickles down to our children and our families. Yet, many of us hesitate to ask for help—or even acknowledge we need it.
What Can Help?
Here are a few strategies and mindsets that can ease the burden:
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Use Technology Smartly: Apps like Uber, Instacart, or video surveillance tools can help lighten the load. They may not solve everything, but they offer small, meaningful support.
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Seek Community, Not Judgment: Caregiver support groups—especially those that reflect our cultural context—can be lifelines. Honest conversations within families can also align expectations and open doors to shared responsibility.
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Consider Modern Care Communities: Today’s retirement homes are not what they used to be. Many are beginning to cater to Indian cultural needs—offering yoga, chai time, Bollywood movie nights, and even vegetarian meal options. We need to rethink what elder care can look like.
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Plan, If You Can: Sometimes we’re thrust into the caregiver role overnight. But when possible, proactive planning—financially, emotionally, and logistically—can make all the difference.
Finding Meaning in the Mess
Despite the stress and the sacrifice, there’s also something incredibly profound about being in the Pav Bhaji Generation.
For many, it’s a chance to reconnect with parents and reflect on what it means to truly care for someone. We’re not just teaching our children Indian values—we’re showing them what those values look like in action.
This stage of life is messy, complex, and exhausting. But it’s also rich with meaning.
Looking Ahead
I’m grateful to organizations like the Hindu Community Institute for elevating these important conversations. We are only scratching the surface of what the Pav Bhaji Generation is going through—and what they need. More tools, resources, and culturally aware support systems must emerge.
Until then, I hope that we can treat each other—with all our messy, in-between lives—with more grace, empathy, and support.
Because no one can serve two generations alone. And they shouldn’t have to.
Have thoughts, experiences, or insights to share about caregiving in the Indian American community? I’d love to hear from you. Let’s keep the conversation going.